Some moments of absence

I'm sorry that I haven't been able to post an entry lately, due to an unusual round of depression. It is not my first time to suffer from depression after Chinese New Year. I also had depression during Chinese New Year in 2005.

Things have gone rather fast for me nowadays, too fast that I could hardly cope up with things. For these few nights, my sleep has been interrupted with flashes of images in my mind; my mind has also been thinking so much that I feel so tormented. My only consolation is prayer.

What I'm going to write will be like a riddle to a lot of you, but there is something that I would like to tell to one particular person: "I've spent six memorable years, and of which, the first three were fruitful, and the next three were still memorable, though not so fruitful. No matter what had happened, I'm glad that we made the right decision, and I hope that you can achieve success in whatever you do."

I realise that I have lost the "feel", and now I am in a moment of rebound or relapse. In these moments, I have been tempted by a lot of pairs and it makes me miss and long for the "feel" again. This longing has then become my source of envy, and I'm now struggling to suppress the feel and submit my flesh to the Holy Spirit. I can hardly take on anything now, and my emotions are just at the brink of breaking at any moment, when you least expect it.

I keep surrendering myself to the hands of the Lord; I have tried to cast all that are in my head away from me. But they just keep coming back.

I am so emotionally affected that even my sleeping habits have been interrupted. All the time I would be able to sleep without waking up in the middle of the night until my phone alarm wakes me up. Now, every two or three hours after I sleep, I would wake up with flashing of images in my mind. Every time my mind flashes those images, they are always similar. In those images, I see myself alone, shunned away from all who I know. Nobody came to me and nobody seemed to care about me anymore. It is as if I am a total outcast. This is indeed silly but I have never been able to recall images so vivid as this one!

I thought I have gone through the darkest moment of my life, but nothing beats this! I feel so neglected, so left out, so uncared, so lonely. I have struggled very hard to avoid myself from feeling neglected, from being left-out and from being lonely!

I've done all that I can, including submitting myself unto the Lord and been praying frequently for strength and patience.

Once again, I feel abandoned. I feel neglected. I feel left out. I feel so unhappy. I feel rejected and so dejected.

But I still trust in the Lord; and of course, I still long for my usual company. My arms are open; will you come to me?