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Revelations

Just last night I had a stroll with Joe (thanks Joe for being ever so willing to walk with me and share about so many things with me, especially about the Word). As I have stated earlier in my previous post I tried not to think too much, there were a lot of things that troubled my mind as I think about them, because the decision that will affect me is from God who will ensure that somebody will execute the decision.

Fair enough, I have been thinking too much and I had really wanted to just let it out (but no, I still didn't let out the "dark" secret of mine). We had a long talk and it was rather a revealing one.

The following things are what we discussed and what he has told me:

1. God is always there in good and bad times.
2. Whenever you are in trouble, God is always there for you to seek.
3. He has a promise that He will never break; ask and you will receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door opens.
4. Seek His face, not only His hands.
5. His grace is enough for you.
6. Everybody is blessed in their own ways.
7. If there are things you worry that are not in your control, surrender it to God, who will decide for you and solve your problems. Let Him lead you.
8. God never promised us that life is a bed of roses, but He did say that He will always be there, no matter what (thanks Tan-Loh Joash!)

With that, my mind is now at peace and that I really have faith that He will decide all for me, my path and all. I am assured that my prayers are answered and that He will continue to speak to me through His unique ways.

I cannot expect my life to be so smooth-sailing all the way. It's important that we emulate Job, who went through much suffering without cursing God (thanks Aaron Lai!), who in return rewarded him even more than he first had.

With that, I can now rest.

I tried not to think - too much.

It's been quite a while since I last posted here. The thing is that I've been able to lead a few days of happy life and then it's back to some moments of stress. While people are washing their hands in butter, I have to have a grip of myself and not let my mind wander off so often.

Well, that's me. My mind wanders off too often and then I think a lot, in fact people say I think too much. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm thinking but in the end, it would make me feel disappointed, frustrated, neglected and left out. Not that I'm facing a relationship problem or whatsoever, but there are so many things that I resent nowadays.

I had a stroll with Jared once and it's true that I'm becoming reliant on other people. Well, I can't seem to be able to find things for myself to do except for quiet time. Other than that, I need other people to help, not really helping me directly but more like doing something together and be together with me to help me get things out of my head, even if it's just a while. Otherwise, if I'm left alone, my mind wanders off, and if things go well, I feel good. But more often than not, it's the negative effect. Sad, huh?

Nevertheless, as my mind wanders off, it clears off certain things that are roaming in my mind, some dark secrets that I can't even tell to any of my closest buddies. (Jared and Joe, if you thought that my "darkest" secret that I told you was "dark" enough, I have my own "dark" secrets that I can't even disclose, not now.) It would make me far conceited and self-centred. Seriously, if you hadn't known me and I tell you what my secrets are, you would think of me as a selfish, self-centred person and that is what I don't intend to be. Therefore, I'm just letting things go on and see what will happen next. Sad to say, though I've been observing for a month or so, things are not going well for me and yet I feel helpless because I cannot do anything and must not do anything, lest more things will go wrong. Yet, I'm getting impatient and it's taking a toll on me, my health, my emotions.

Much as I like to pour it out to the persons I want to direct it to, I simply cannot do so, for it will generate much negative thoughts of me. Everyone has a reputation to maintain, and so do I. However, I do wonder how long can I maintain that reputation.

People say, "Look into the Lord," or "Surrender all to Our Lord," etc. but they still trouble my mind. I'm not depressed at the moment, just feeling stressed and rather down-hearted. I'm discouraged from doing a lot of things now and I really try to live for the moment, but this moment isn't the peak of my life. While other people are enjoying their university life, their relationships, their work, I'm finding a way out of things. I'm tired, exhausted and need help but nobody understands and nobody should understand.

The images that flashed into my mind during my interrupted sleeps have actually realised at a few points of my life already. Every time I walk together with my coursemates to lectures, or every time I walk in the crowd, I feel lonely. I wish I could talk to other people but it's either that there isn't anything to talk about, or I would be disturbing other people. All I hear in the noisy crowd around me is plain silence. While music offers me some relief, it is only temporary. Yet, I have the Lord to thank for those wonderful music I have in my telephone and I am very glad that I had decided to change my phone.

Friendships have fallen, I felt. And it is still falling. A barrier has manifested itself between me and my friends, and the barrier is becoming thicker by the day. I can feel the distance growing gradually and sooner or later, it is quite possible that I have only myself to confide in, besides the Lord. There are people for me to confide in, yet answers are so little. Solutions are almost non-existent. Before this, troubled ones tell me everything and when I'm troubled, I tell them everything, too. Now, with so little to share with me, I couldn't find the heart to share so much.

I find enjoyment in listening to people's troubles, even those that are too heavy for anyone to shoulder, to the point that the individual is stressed up and depressed. I feel that I have succeeded in having people sharing their problems with me so that I can try to help them, put myself into their shoes and understand their predicament. It is as if I find joy in bearing the depression for other people and in the end, help them cast it away. Many people tend to mis-interpret my statements: "Are you OK?", "Is there any problem?", "Is there anything I can help you?", etc. They think that I'm just asking them: "How are you?" or "How do you do?" The fact is that when I see somebody displaying a sudden change of expression (into a stressed-looking one), it's natural of me to ask and try to persuade him or her to share their problems, if they have one, no matter how big or small it can be, with me. However, as people wouldn't want to divulge everything all the time, it's OK to me if they don't want to tell me. It wouldn't make me satisfied knowing that actually something is troubling the individual, and yet he or she is denying it. I don't normally buy "I'm OK. Don't worry about me."

But how am I able to solve and share other people's problems when I can't even help myself? "Heal yourself, physician!" True enough! But read this: it helps to take things out of my mind to know about other people's problems. Basically, my problem cannot be solved myself (it depends on how the other parties move). Therefore, on a personal level, I've got not many problems to deal with, which allows me to probe around, helping me get things out of my head, forget about my problems which I can't do anything with.

I'm being a busy-body, you say? Maybe I am, but you have all the right not to tell me if you want. If you are determined not to tell me, I won't insist any further (there is a limit of my persuasion, too). Sure enough, it would leave me hanging in mid-air trying to figure what could be the problem, and I would be somehow disappointed if I can't help.

Still, I don't understand what is really happening to me. My mind plays tricks and it thinks too much. It is not within my control.

Can nobody help? Nobody, I'm afraid, except for a few who are unconscious that they are in a way deciding my next phase of life, and that their crucial decisions will determine whether I live, or perish. This waiting is just amplifying my misery. I'm eager to end it once and for all. Those few had better make their decisions quick preferably by the end of the week.

Langkawi Geology Field Trip

I apologise for not being able to write here so often anymore. I hope you understand that I've been going through some hard times and lately I've recovered, albeit a little, but still enough to make me feel a little more cheerful.

As the topic suggests,I've just recently returned from my Langkawi trip. The Civil Engineering students who enrolled for Geology this semester got to visit Langkawi to study (you guess it) rocks. The students were rather delighted to go, but upon knowing that we'll have a long report to submit, the mood simply diminished to oblivion. Anyway, we went and somehow actually managed to have some fun time.

I don't really want to blog long here because I've got some other things to do. Nevertheless, I'd like to roughly (at least) give you an idea of what we did during the three days and two nights that we spent in Langkawi Island. Therefore, I shall post pictures here. Pictures speak louder than words, don't you think?

Overall, the trip has been a wonderful experience. Although at times the Associate Professor's lecture about a certain rock can be quite long-winded and tiring, nevertheless the knowledge and the experience gained are what matter.

And one more thing. This is something that pictures cannot speak. I had a bad heat stroke on the second day of my Langkawi trip. It actually happened around afternoon while climbing the stairs at Telaga Tujuh. My body heated up easily and I could feel the heat. I tried fanning myself with the fieldtrip material that I had but it was to no avail. While resting at a shelter, Joe had been so kind enough to go down to the foot of the hill (which was 367 steps down), bought a coconut, ran up (another 367 steps) and gave me to drink. Indeed, I do appreciate his help and kind-heartedness. But sad to say, the effect the coconut had on me was temporary. Although I felt immensely better, but the moment I stepped into the van which took us back to the hotel I felt warm and after a few minutes, while my other friends dozed off, I slipped into unconsciousness.

Upon arriving at the hotel, my course-mate Abdul Azim tried to wake me up, but I didn't respond. He tried shaking me, but still no response. Winnie started knocking at the window and Joe also tried to wake me up, and I got up groggily. I immediately felt tired, exhausted, weak and unable to really move. I had to muster all my strength to get out of the van, where Joe readily supported me and helped me up to the room.

In the room, I was immediately settled down to bed and both Aaron Lai and Joe applied some medicated oil on my head. Joe recited a prayer for me, and I was left to rest. Aaron kept an eye on me and I just laid on the bed resting. After a while, I felt much better, but I had this headache whereby I felt as if two metal bars were crushing on my temples. I told this to Aaron and Joe was notified. The latter came immediately and Aaron returned with the medicated oil and a Panadol pill. I took the pill, rested a while and the pain subsided. Aaron, Joe and Azim then cracked some jokes. After I recovered, I could join in their fun almost immediately. Thanks to them and thank God, my problem was cured.

It's not that I didn't drink enough water. The amount of water I drank was quite a lot (three litres a day), but that didn't seem to keep my body cool. Oh well, I need to avoid being under the sun too long now, I guess.

All right, now for pictures:

Morning view of Pantai Tengah

On a metasedimentary rock hill behind Pantai Tengah

First group picture. Yes, the sun was quite glaring.

My name carved on slate (a type of metamorphic rock)

The best experience in Pantai Tengah. The rear wheels of our van sank into the sand...

...and Winnie had to get the jack up? Aaron, what are you doing, smiling there happily and letting the girl doing all the hard work? Shame on you! I've got six words for you. "I am very disappointed of you."

Quite a breathtaking view of Pantai Tengkorak

Believe me, that cliff is very high. Don't let the picture fool you. We daredevils had nothing better to do than to climb rocks.

Surely all of us enjoyed ourselves at Pantai Tengkorak, don't you think so? We thought we were on vacation rather than on a field trip.

Limestone cave area of Gua Landak (an unmarked cave in Langkawi)

See the sedimentation of calcium carbonate, forming stalagmites and stalactites?

How could we miss a group picture in a place like this? Note, lighting was all due to the camera flash. Fortunately, the flash was bright enough.

We were later forced to crawl through a small hole in the cave where the floor is clay-like and muddy. Well, both Joe and I just kept one hand dirty and the other one clean to continue taking pictures!

And in the end, everybody's shoes became muddy, too. My Nike shoes!

My blog was locked

Believe it or not, my blog was detected as a spam blog by the spam robots of Blogger. It really took away my ability to blog at all for these days, and though I've been feeling rather cheerful nowadays, it just simply made me so angry to know that they had actually locked my blog, rendering me unable to post any entry until now (they have finally unlocked it).

Anyway, enough said (assez dit). For the past two weeks or so, many things have happened, both pleasant and unpleasant, and although there were more unpleasant things happening, I'm glad to say that I've managed to adjust and adapt to them. Major changes have happened to my life and I am, indeed, still struggling to get everything back to order.

But what type of major changes, you ask? Surely many things must have happened since I literally disappeared for about two weeks, without any word of me in this blog. Well, I don't really wish to get into the details, but in a nutshell, all the changes are more of social changes and being such a change, it definitely affected very much.

Things have changed such that at times I feel very much indecisive, lost and uncertain of what is happening and what I really want. Many times I have tried to reassess my priorities and commitments but it doesn't seem to really help. Even after re-evaluating myself, I still remain uncertain and things are certainly still in the rocks.

Although I may not fall into depression so easily anymore, it now pains me to experience mood swings suddenly. It can be due to the things I said, things that people ask, things that people do or things that I do. Suffice to say that these changes have shaken me emotionally and perhaps even psychologically.

Within just a short span of two weeks, I have lost some of my most prized possessions, figuratively speaking. However, such loss seems to be necessary, though it has really hurt me and removed a big part away from me. Suffice to say that these possessions can never be mine permanently as long as somebody wants them, and more often than not they should have their way. People might think that I'm being stupid for caring so much about other people's feelings that I neglect my own. But I'm not finished. Picture this situation: you have a dog which you love very much, and it has its affection for you. Then came this friend of yours and they expressed their interest in your dog. Upon seeing this friend of yours, your dog suddenly showed great interest in your friend that it keeps on hobnobbing them that you feel unattached.

It is rather an obvious case that you can never have what you really want, and I'm losing things that I want rather very easily now; but it is out of my control. When I mean that I'm losing things, they are not really something that you can see, feel and touch, but most of the time they are so.

So this falls under sacrifice. For the sake of other people sometimes it is vital that sacrifices must be made, even if you don't like it, because otherwise people would think negatively of you. I'm still speaking in the riddles now, so pardon me if you don't understand a thing. There are also times when you need to sacrifice for the sake of another party. So many sacrifices I have made, yet within these two weeks, I believe I have sacrificed myself so much that I have not much to sacrifice anymore. As I have said earlier, a great part of me has been removed, and I don't know if it will be returned. There's a saying that "... if it comes back, it is yours; if it does not, it never was." Though there is truth in it, I have always dreaded the last part of the sentence. I don't let go of things easily, and if I do, I always make sure that they will come back.

But now, I've been letting things go without giving it much thought of whether they will come back to me or otherwise. It saddens me up to note that these things that I've let go of will most probably not come back to me anymore (note: I used the word things, not thing). And as I let things go, other people would gladly take them from me. But whether they are grateful or otherwise I don't know. Some people might think that I should let things go because they think they deserve them more now and some people might think that I'm being so generous for letting things go, albeit easily in words but not in the heart. The first part of my sentence has its truth, believe me, and I'm aware of that.

Why must I let things go then? Can't I just share with them? There are many things that can be shared, but with mine, it's either that they go or they stay. This means that they are not things that I can just share with other people, because even if I can, in the end it will appear that I'm borrowing rather than sharing. If that will be so, why not just give it away?

Sacrifices are necessary even if it means pulling yourself down at times. Sacrifices have, indeed, proven to be challenging my stability and emotions. Sacrifices are something that I have to give away in order to appease other people, yet not myself. It would be fair enough to say that I have sacrificed all but one. If that has to go, too, it will be the end of me. I may not have much to sacrifice in the first place, but as I had clung to them initially to make my life a much better one, letting all of them go (except one) really scarred my heart, my confidence, my emotions.

Please, I really hope that at least I can still hold on to this only prized possession for as long as I'm able. If it has to be taken away from me, this miserable life of mine which started since two weeks ago will become unimaginable for me.

GOD! PLEASE HAVE CLEMENCY ON ME!

Some moments of absence

I'm sorry that I haven't been able to post an entry lately, due to an unusual round of depression. It is not my first time to suffer from depression after Chinese New Year. I also had depression during Chinese New Year in 2005.

Things have gone rather fast for me nowadays, too fast that I could hardly cope up with things. For these few nights, my sleep has been interrupted with flashes of images in my mind; my mind has also been thinking so much that I feel so tormented. My only consolation is prayer.

What I'm going to write will be like a riddle to a lot of you, but there is something that I would like to tell to one particular person: "I've spent six memorable years, and of which, the first three were fruitful, and the next three were still memorable, though not so fruitful. No matter what had happened, I'm glad that we made the right decision, and I hope that you can achieve success in whatever you do."

I realise that I have lost the "feel", and now I am in a moment of rebound or relapse. In these moments, I have been tempted by a lot of pairs and it makes me miss and long for the "feel" again. This longing has then become my source of envy, and I'm now struggling to suppress the feel and submit my flesh to the Holy Spirit. I can hardly take on anything now, and my emotions are just at the brink of breaking at any moment, when you least expect it.

I keep surrendering myself to the hands of the Lord; I have tried to cast all that are in my head away from me. But they just keep coming back.

I am so emotionally affected that even my sleeping habits have been interrupted. All the time I would be able to sleep without waking up in the middle of the night until my phone alarm wakes me up. Now, every two or three hours after I sleep, I would wake up with flashing of images in my mind. Every time my mind flashes those images, they are always similar. In those images, I see myself alone, shunned away from all who I know. Nobody came to me and nobody seemed to care about me anymore. It is as if I am a total outcast. This is indeed silly but I have never been able to recall images so vivid as this one!

I thought I have gone through the darkest moment of my life, but nothing beats this! I feel so neglected, so left out, so uncared, so lonely. I have struggled very hard to avoid myself from feeling neglected, from being left-out and from being lonely!

I've done all that I can, including submitting myself unto the Lord and been praying frequently for strength and patience.

Once again, I feel abandoned. I feel neglected. I feel left out. I feel so unhappy. I feel rejected and so dejected.

But I still trust in the Lord; and of course, I still long for my usual company. My arms are open; will you come to me?

Awaiting the arrival of...

My beloved lab demonstrator for Structured Programming. Yes, I am finally back in UTP after spending about five days in Ipoh during Chinese New Year. I must say that it hasn't been quite a memorable one, considering the fact that the atmosphere of CNY this year is almost inconceivable here in Ipoh, which was quite a disappointment.

Anyway, now that I am back in UTP, life will continue as usual, with lots of assignments and researching to do. Being a working Wednesday, my friends and I are currently in the Multimedia Lab waiting for the demonstrator to arrive, but it's already 40 minutes past the actual time of the lab. Oh great, as I'm typing this, the demonstrator has just arrived. I do wonder what is he going to do now.

Now, the demonstrator is saying that he is not supposed to conduct our lab session. Apparently he was just passing by the lab. It is true that he is not supposed to conduct our lab session because he isn't our demonstrator in the first place. We have a lady demonstrator who is a new student of UTP. In UTP, all postgraduates must take up some experience in tutoring undergraduate students as a pre-requisite to graduate with Masters or PhD. This particular lady did not do a good job of tutoring during her first lab session with us, so we brought this matter up to the lecturer. The lecturer thought that it would be best to have an experienced tutor to accompany her so that she would gain the necessary experience, too.

Having a little background in programming does help make things easier for me now. Previously in Form 4 and Form 5, I had the experience of programming in Visual Basic. Now, we are programming in C++. Although it is a different programming language altogether, the main concept is still the same, revolving around the "If... else..." ideology.

Of course, I couldn't wait for our lecturers to start teaching the codes and our lab demonstrator sure failed to make things clearer for us. Therefore, thanks to Jared, he has taught me on the most important things that I should know, commands and what-nots. Now, it is like programming back in Visual Basic; the only difference being totally text-based and not object-oriented.

My substitute lab demonstrator has announced that the lab session for today is actually cancelled. Now, why didn't the announcement come at all in the UTP E-Learning service? Thanks to them, I had to wake up at 7.00 a.m. just for this 8.00-a.m. lab session which was cancelled in the first place. Great!

By the way, to all my readers, there is a high possibility that I will be shifting off my blog from Blogger to Wordpress. Don't worry, all the posts that I have will be available for viewing in my new blog home.

Not the Valentine's, Not the CNY

The Valentine's Day had not been quite the Valentine's that I expected, for indeed though I have experienced the amount of joy I wanted, I could not help feeling sorry that something rather bad had happened on the same night, too. No, it was nothing immoral.

This Chinese New Year may not be such a happy one to me either. A friend of mine is in distress and I did not really realise it until he told me so. To that friend: I shall pray for you, and God in heaven will make sure that it will not happen anymore.

Unpleasant things have happened these two or three days and it is important to make things right before Chinese New Year. If you have friends who ask for forgiveness, please forgive them, for nothing can be more depressing than celebrating Chinese New Year with the knowledge that they are still not forgiven. I have a few verses for you to share with from the Book of Matthew from the Bible:

(21) Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" (22) Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (Matthew 18:21-22, NIV)

So I tell you, friends, even though someone has offended you or even hurt you, do not let it rule in your heart too long. People say "forgive and forget". It is understood that forgiving can be easily done, but forgetting it is a real problem. Try this: forgive first, forget later.

Brothers and sisters, I have learnt to forgive people easily, although there were times when I just simply could not do so. I also took the time to swallow the bitterness in my mouth, but eventually I would also pardon them. Nothing delights me more than pardoning people and to be with my close friends.

So here is my important message before the New Year: Forgive and treasure your friends.

Passed the Point of No Return

Before I proceed any further, allow me to wish all of you a Happy Valentine's Day. For those who are in a serious relationship, please accept my heartiest Valentine's wishes. For those who are not in one (yet), well, try harder and may Cupid strike you, huh?

Well, anyway, this post is not meant for romance purposes. Oh no, I'm not going to talk about Valentine's here. As you can see, I have just passed a point of no return.

So what is this point of no return? Well, it's no big deal, really. As some of you are aware, Jared, Josiah and I had a group blog called Random Rantings. This group blog comprised of six contributors, all from UTP. This blog allowed all contributors to post about whatever that came into their heads. In other words, we really wanted to portray the "randomness" of Random Rantings.

Unfortunately, Random Rantings has to come to an end on the 14th of February 2007, at exactly 12.00 midnight due to some obvious reasons. One of them is that there had been a great lack of commitment from the contributors themselves, which resulted to Josiah and I dominating the blog most of the time, with Jared administrating it.

What made us disappointed was the fact that the amount of passion we had for blogging in Random Rantings diminished as time passed by. It was due to the fact that the other contributors did not post often which caused Josiah and I not able to write often. We ran out of ideas because there were no ideas cycling in.

Therefore, as such, we have decided that Random Rantings has to end. And at 0000 hours of February 14, 2007, Jared, Josiah and I have terminated the existence of Random Rantings and sent the blog to oblivion, once and for all.

Goodbye Random Rantings, long live R.A.N.D.T.S.!

El Nino

For those of you who are not very aware of what is happening to the weather, please take note of this: El Nino is striking soon.

Have you noticed that lately the weather has become warmer and warmer by the day? I have recently just chatted with a friend from Cheras. She told me that it felt uncomfortably warm although it was at night! Imagine switching on the fan to full blast and yet you still feel excessively warm.

Well, the condition isn't any different either here in UTP, where it is famous among the community here as the "desert". Do believe me when I say that it is also extremely warm here in UTP especially during off rainy-season. You can feel the scalding effect of the sun here in UTP although it is just 9.30 in the morning. Could you imagine how warm it will be at 12.00 noon? Right now, looking out of my window, I see the sun shining as brightly as it could and it is very quiet outside now because nobody wants to stay outdoors with such a high outdoor temperature!

So, is there anything that we can do about this weather? I'm afraid none. We could prevent it by reducing deforestation and prevent open burning (and things like that), but if El Nino is to strike, then nothing can prevent it from coming. All you can do is just pray that it will come and go like the wind, drink more water and stay indoors when it is extremely warm outside.

I'm warning you about this because a few days ago, I cycled out of campus to meet the pastor. Upon coming back, I felt light-headed and was short-breath. I couldn't walk properly without having to support myself on the wall and almost passed out while on the way to dinner with friends. Yes, I had a mild heat-stroke. Thankfully, it's over now, but with such an experience, I hope that you'd take this "El Nino thing" seriously.

Happy Anniversary Egghead's Cracks!

It's the second anniversary of my blog! It may not be a big deal for a lot of bloggers, but it does to me. I've not forsaken it for these two years and I'm happy that it has served me well in good or bad times.

All I can hope now is that this blog will continue to reign for as long as it can. And God willing, I shall keep it for as long as I can.

Project R.A.N.D.T.S.

As you may all be quite aware, Jared, I and Josiah had opened a group blog called Random Rantings. It lasted for about seven to eight months before we decided that it has to be closed, due to the fact that the contributors did not really contribute much to the group blog, except for Jared, me and Josiah. In short, the blog is dead.

It won't be dead so soon yet. We have decided that it would go on the 14th of February. (I know what you are thinking. I suggested that date on purpose. Jared asked for a more auspicious date. I said February 18, and in the end, they'd rather stick to February 14.)

Nevertheless, our passion for having a group blog is still flaring. We've decided that this new blog will not only involve students from UTP but will also be a joint effort that links bloggers from various locations, as far as the United States.

This blog has barely been opened for four days, yet the number of posts in the blog grow fast.

Let me not delay your interest. I shall reveal the name of the blog. It's called R.A.N.D.T.S. Please feel free to visit this blog and drop comments!

Hectic moments

I know that I have not been updating my blog quite often nowadays. You see, a new semester in university often means messy timetable, lots of work, and many more.

There has been quite a lot of problems regarding our subjects. We had clashes between lectures and laboratory or tutorial sessions, which somehow forced us to negotiate matters with our lecturers for a few days. I don't wish to go through the details again because, believe me, everything was so tedious and my coursemates and I were simply fed-up.

We wanted to keep our Fridays free, and in the end we have to be content to have very hectic Mondays and Tuesdays, whereby our lessons will begin from 8.00 a.m. until 5.00 p.m. with breaks in between, of course. However, although there are breaks in between, all of us feel so exhausted that we don't feel like doing anything else.

We are not expecting to have an enjoyable moment like how we had last semester. Still, we hope that whilst we are doing a lot of work, we would still be able to find time to have fun, games and talks with each other.

Actually, I have nothing much to write here now, as I feel quite exhausted. After this, I shall be having dinner with friends before attending the Chinese Orchestra practice at 7.30 p.m. Then at 10.00 p.m. there will be a Cell Group meeting. Sigh... this is the life of a university students, my friends. You will never know how hectic it can be till you experience it yourself first-hand.

Satisfied, Sufficient, Cheers!

Too all readers out there, I'm sorry that I have not been posting so frequently nowadays. You must understand that when a new semester in university starts, there are many things to be done, such as registrations for tutorial and laboratory sessions, arrangements of our messy timetable and also to have fun with friends once in a while.

The first and second week of our semester have been quite a trouble for us. It isn't that we couldn't get used to undergraduate life; it's the timetable. We are only too vexed that our timetable (just for one course) is so messy and unorganised that we had to spend two weeks trying to get our timetable in proper order. Could you imagine having our own lectures clashing with our own laboratory sessions? What could be more absurd, right?

Not only is our timetable bringing us headaches, but the fact that we have only ONE lecture on Friday just simply beats the lot. We don't mind if that ONE lecture is in the morning, but WHY MUST IT BE SIMPLY AT 3.00 PM IN THE EVENING, for one pathetic hour only, and is like "miles" away from our hostel? I think that question can only be answered by the people in charge of the timetable.

Nevertheless, we are truly happy that UTP has provided us with a new facility. We have been dreaming for this facility to appear in UTP but we doubted that it would come anytime soon. Well, sure enough, this facility has come. I'm proud to say that UTP, for its first time, has installed some Wireless Access Points in the campus. We have TMNet Hotspot services now! Although we are elated by the existence of Hotspot, we are rather disappointed by the fact that its Internet connection is quite unstable, and only rooms facing the cafes would have good wireless signals (which explains why one of my coursemates comes quite often to my room to connect to the wireless Internet).

With university life going on, I've become a much happier person. It pays to forget about things sometimes and to just let go. It also pays to just lay back and put everything behind your back. Having done that, I can truly say that I am satisfied, cheerful and happy.

Nowadays, I have begun to try doing things that I would never have done before. Not that they are offensive behaviour or anything that is against the law, but, if you have known me for so many years, would you have expected me, Yew Guo Zheng @ Henry Yew, to enjoy wearing jeans, spiking my hair, listening to some Alternative and R&B music and doing some other crazy things? Even Jared was totally shocked, aren't you, Jared?

I have felt deprived of my own teenage life. I felt that I have not lived my life to what I want to be, which is why the moment I have the chance to do it, I would put my task to work. No regrets, definitely. I certainly am enjoying what I am doing and it makes me feel much better, happier and easier to mix around.

Autobiography (Part IV) - The Enigma of Life

My acceptance by PETRONAS into Universiti Teknologi PETRONAS (or PETRONAS University of Technology, UTP) was, rather, expected as I was initially accepted by the Singaporean Ministry of Education for the ASEAN Pre-University Scholarship. However, as the offer by Singapore didn't seem that appealing compared to that by PETRONAS, I'd decided to decline the offer by Singapore, and with faith, waited for the results from PETRONAS. On the 2nd of January 2006, I got my official letter of acceptance from UTP and PETRONAS.

On the 14th of January 2006, I made my way, together with my father, to UTP. Together with the other students, we were to attend a week of orientation week (Minggu Aluan Siswa or MAS). I was rather lost when I first stepped into UTP, and wondered who my roommate might be. About ten minutes after my arrival in UTP, I was approached by a guy as tall as I am and asked if I would willingly be his roommate. Gladly, I obliged and we registered for the same room.

During my orientation week, I didn't realise that there were two other fellow university mates who observed the conversation between me and my roommate. Apparently, our conversation was such that it appeared to them as if we were "irritating" group of people (actually, maybe that was true; no wonder both of them didn't really mix with me initially).

Anyway, the orientation week wasn't much of a memory, except for some games, activities and our Freshies Talent Nite, where I got to perform on a digital piano in a chamber orchestra comprising of brass and woodwind. We performed Michelle Branch's Game of Love, and though it wasn't such a wonderful performance (we only practised for about two nights), we felt satisfied. (Surprisingly enough, the two university mates of mine who thought me as "irritating" had a good impression of my piano playing. I was still oblivious to the fact that they thought me "irritating".)

The surprise came when one of the facilitators approached me and asked if I was willing to be her keyboardist for a band competition, in which I agreed to participate. Joining her band were two other players, a guitarist and a drummer (both are quite experienced players). Initially, I felt rather left out because you must understand that I am not a pop or rock musician; I am classically trained! I was not a fan of pop or rock music, therefore I knew not much about the songs they mentioned.

I also felt rather left out because the guitarist and the drummer got along quite well by themselves and also with the facilitator. I tried my best to mix in, but rather to no avail at most times (things have changed now).

Still, I did not surrender because I told myself that somehow, I must get to know some pop or rock music in order to be able to mix well with other people. It's important to tune into the correct "frequency", you know?

Anyway, suffice to say I had rather enjoyed being in the band. It enabled me to be close to the guitarist and the drummer, and I'm glad that I was able to make some new friends (need I say that the guitarist and the drummer were the ones who thought me as "irritating"? Well, in the band, they had a different impression of me and decided that I wasn't, after all, so "irritating"). Really, I don't really know what stopped me from making new friends easily. Perhaps, I was still rather attached to friends from my old school.

That was during the first half of the year 2006. The second half was more memorable, in the sense that I became more accepted among my friends and I mixed with them more. It was also in the second half of the year that I began playing a game that I had never really wanted to play: Defence of the Ancients, also known as DotA. I found, to my surprise, that many people were equally shocked that I took up that game, which perhaps attributed to my being more accepted within my university mates (well, you must understand that going with the flow makes mixing around much more easier).

And perhaps my most memorable moment for last year was to know that I had obtained a GPA of 4.00 in my final examinations. I was excited and happy to know about my results, and I thank God very much for my success.

The most shocking news that I would deliver is perhaps my conversion to Christianity. As some of you might know, I studied about Christianity since I was Form 2 (I do not wish to go into details as why I was interested); I wanted to compare and contrast about certain things. In Form 4, I yearned to know more about the teachings of Christianity and asked Tan Kah Soon if he knew where I could get a copy of the Bible. The next day itself, he presented me with the Bible for free. He said he had two copies so he decided to give one to me. Within a year or so, I had almost completed the whole Bible.

In UTP, I have attended CELL group meetings and I became more attached to Christianity. Two weeks before Christmas, I felt that I was ready to become a Christian finally, and something seemed to be overwhelming me that I accepted Christ without delay. When I delivered this news to some of my closest friends, most were happy and some were surprised.

The most disheartening moment was when I was struck by the same depression that I experienced back in my Form 5 days. I felt lonely again and depression crept into me soon enough. I tried many ways to cheer myself up, but in the end decided that I needed to leave home and have a vacation on my own, in which I had bought a ticket from Ipoh to Johor Bahru on the 26th of December and returned on New Year's Eve.

My New Year's Day wasn't such a memorable one, considering the fact that I was still in depression. I spent most of my days prior to my return to campus in prayers. Now, I feel much more cheerful and I thank the Lord, as well as my parents especially my mother, who care about me. Not forgetting my ever loyal and caring friends, who are always willing to lend a listening ear when I am in the dumps.

My future is as uncertain as it can be. I could only let God decide my destiny. I pray that it will be for the good.

And thus, this autobiography ends.

Autobiography (Part III) - From Tween to Teen

When I first entered Standard 1 in St. Michael's Institution Primary School, I was totally blur about the condition around me, for I knew not a word of Bahasa Melayu then. I was brought up with Mandarin and English, and initially I was supposed to enrol into a Chinese primary school. However, as there were many "little dragons" (I was born in the year of the dragon), the enrolment for the primary school was closed (full).

I wasn't sure about anything during my first few days of school. I understood not a word of what my teacher said because it was all in the Malay language. Fortunately, for the first day, my mother was right outside the classroom to keep a watch in case I suddenly become upset. I remember clearly that I asked her how to ask for permission to excuse myself to the lavatory in Malay. My mother immediately taught me how to ask for permission and that was my first time I asked for permission to the lavatory in Malay. It was also my first time speaking in proper Bahasa Melayu.

I recall that I didn't do well at all for my first semester examinations. I ended up in the 21st place in the whole of Standard 1. It is also very comical to think that I actually thought that Port Dickson was the name of a man (I had never been to Port Dickson before), which explained why I constructed a sentence with "Encik Port Dickson". You could tell how rather unintelligent I was then.

However, in Standard 2 and onwards my results improved due to proper guidance and some tuition classes. At Standard 6, I finally secured the third place, which was quite an achievement for me indeed. And my very first joy of studying came when I was blessed with straight 5 A's for my UPSR examination.

After UPSR, I moved into a new phase of life, as a teenager. However, unlike any other teenagers who would have already got interested in things such as Rock, Pop or Heavy Metal music, I was more towards the Classical side. I have a large collection of Classical pieces. This is all most probably due to my type of upbringing. It was also during my Form 1 life that I realised that I wasn't really myself. My mother had been away in the USA to work for about 22 months when I was Standard 4. During the 22 months, I had been conditioned by my father to be quite a sensitive, extremely serious, quiet and queer person. It wasn't until when my mother observed that I changed that I, too, in return realise what had happened to me. I was so serious that even the best of jokes failed to make me laugh (even now I might not laugh at certain jokes because I still possess some of my old qualities).

I was also conditioned to be a straightforward person, without any cunning. More often than not I had been used by other people to do some donkey's work. It was my mother who tried to instil some cunning in me so that I don't often get cheated so easily. But even now, I still tend to offer a helping hand if I can although it may not benefit me in any way (or even to my own disadvantage).

My Form 1 year wasn't any memorable, but Form 2 was the beginning of a sweet memory, when I got to perform as a pianist in the drama Flower Drum Song. At that year, I was known as the youngest student to actually participate in the annual school drama (now not anymore when a Form 1 boy took up the role as Clopin's puppet in last year's drama The Hunchback of Notre Dame). My Form 2 was also perhaps my downfall for I had missed classes almost every day, because I was in the afternoon session and my classes were also in the afternoon. Therefore, my results were far behind.

In Form 3, I made a come back. I paid more attention in classes and it's needless for me to say that I had managed to score straight 7 A's for my PMR examination. It was also the most memorable year for my school as we managed to have 99 students scoring straight A's for the PMR examination (we aimed for 100; so we were short of a student). It was the best result ever in the history of the school, and still is the best. That particular year 2003 marked the year when we were second only to Ave Maria School.

Form 4 marked the year again when I participated in the school drama The King and I, but my examination results were maintained at the appropriate level. Again I played as the pianist, but this time as the lead pianist (a big responsibility indeed, as the pieces were not easy to manage, and my absence would normally mean that the practice would have to be delayed).

My Form 5 year marked my own emotional downfall. After going out with friends for Chinese New Year, I became suddenly depressed due to loneliness. I wondered and pondered the reason to why it happened, and for six months I told nobody about my depression, and I saw my own examination results dropping right before my eyes. After June, I became emotionally stable again and did immensely better for my trial examinations. And soon afterwards I sat for my SPM examinations. I could only wish that I had scored straight 1A's, but I ended up having nine 1A's and two 2A's.

After the SPM examinations, I was busy attending tests for the ASEAN Scholarship as well as the PETRONAS Educamp. It wasn't long after that that I obtained offers from both the Singapore Ministry of Education and PETRONAS, which in the end I decided that I would accept the offer from the latter.

I could have expected for a great university life, but unknowingly again, things take a turn quite often, and although we may learn from history, there are things that will be repeated.

To be continued...

This entry also marks the 200th entry in Egghead's Cracks.

Autobiography (Part II) - Souvenirs d'Enfance

Living as a baby has been quite an experience, I would say, to my parents if not for me, for I had lived perhaps in complete oblivion.

My childhood days are not what anybody would expect it to be. My childhood days were rather much surrounded by sickness. I was often ill, with flu or cough. It was as if my immune system shut down while I was about three years old. Being rather a chubby boy, I ended up being extremely thin. My appetite was poor and I needed much coaxing by my patient mother before I would finally eat something. I remember that I used to despise rice, for it is tasteless. My favourite food then constitutes anything that is salty or sweet. Bitter, sour and spicy food did not come into the constitution. True enough, I had been very choosy when it came to food.

It was also a moment when I had the craving for junk food. I loved lollipops and sweets, but my mother usually refused to buy me any of those. I don't really remember if I had ever protested, but my mother's refusal didn't really seem to matter.

This was also the moment when I first tasted alcoholic drinks. I was about four then. My family was once invited to a wedding dinner, and as usual, I sat in between my parents in a baby chair. A cup of tea was served in front of me. My parents also had tea. However, eventually they ended up having a cup of liquor, too. The liquor was diluted with water and filled with ice. I was then completely oblivious to the fact that that was liquor, and thought that it was iced tea. Without my parents noticing what I was about to do (for no doubt, they thought that I grabbed my cup of tea), I took hold of my father's cup of liquor and downed half of the liquor. When my parents looked back, they saw the cup and my rather reddish face. They asked if that was liquor, and I nodded, giving a look that told them that I didn't like it. They laughed.

I entered the Canning Garden Methodist Kindergarten when I was five years old, and I clearly remember when my mother, through the recommendation of her friend, decided to send me to a nursery after kindergarten hours, because she was busy in her insurance job. I was then very attached to my mother and for the first time when the nursery teacher came to pick me up, I was rather nervous and worried (but I had a childhood friend of mine next to me, so I was quite comforted). At around 3.00 p.m. they would, according to schedule, get the children to sleep but I couldn't. Therefore, they let me out of the room doing some jigsaw puzzle work. I was only too happy when my mother finally came to pick me up at 5.00 p.m.

I became gradually unhappy to go to the nursery because I felt deprived of my mother's attention. The attention I got in the nursery wasn't the attention that I desired. There was once when I decided not to follow the nursery teacher. Instead of waiting at the waiting area, I decided to go to the playground and played on the swing. My mother was immediately notified about me being missing and she came straight to the kindergarten, only to find that I was enjoying myself on the swing. My class teacher was worried sick. Since then, my mother never wanted to send me to the nursery anymore.

At six years old, I was still in the same kindergarten. One of the most queer events that occurred was during recess time. During recess, we were all served with a plate of fried noodles, but the teacher insisted that we do not eat first until everyone got a plate. However, when everyone got a plate, we were told not to start either. To my surprise, the teacher started saying a few words and asked us to repeat what she said. I couldn't really understand the purpose of it (back then I did not really understand the meaning of "pray") but just merely followed. After a few lines, she ended with "Amen" and we did the same, and I had no idea what it meant. Little did I know that it was a prayer and that she was a Christian. However, as it was to be done everyday, naturally I memorised that prayer and treated it as a normal routine.

The most memorable moment that I could ever have is perhaps my first overseas trip. At five years old, I had the opportunity to follow my mother to Los Angeles, USA, where my aunt was, and is, living. We went there for a tour initially, and eventually we stayed over in her house. During the trip, we went to Disneyland where I was overjoyed upon meeting mascots such as Mickey Mouse and Goofy (not forgetting Donald Duck). The scenery and the setup of Disneyland were simply beyond my imagination. The technology to me was so advanced that I really wished that I hadn't left it at all.

The next places I visited in the USA were Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon wasn't a place to bear with easily, for it was a desert. With the scorching hot sun, we were only too happy to be able to leave the place and into Las Vegas, the city of lights and casinos. We visited one of the casinos and to me the machines inside were like toys to me. There were big ones and some small ones. I saw some people pulling down some sort of handles and saw money coming down. I was immensely surprised by that and I couldn't help pulling one of those handles, too, much to my mother's horror. I didn't realise that somebody was playing on one of those machines, and I just pulled the handle! Still, lucky him (or lucky me), he almost hit the jackpot.

To be continued...

Autobiography (Part I) - The Beginning of a New Life

I wouldn't know if you will find this autobiography of myself boring, but I'd like to share. You will see in the end, as the saying goes, that life isn't a bed of roses, but neither would anybody expect it to sometimes be a bed of thorns. A bed of roses with thorns would bring maturity to people, but a bed of thorns is what people have to sometimes experience.

After waiting for about seven years, a new life was born in the year 1988 (I could only assume that my parents were happily married in around 1980 or 1981 at the latest), on the 8th day of the fourth month of the Gregorian calendar, or the 22nd day of the second month of the lunar calendar. Initially, this baby was scheduled to be born in May, so what had caused the delivery to be a month earlier?

An ultrasonic scan done by one of Ipoh's top gynaecologists revealed that at eight months, the position of the foetus was incorrect (perhaps a reverse baby), prompting the doctor to do some manual adjustments. The risks of doing so was well informed to the mother, who consented to the adjustment. As expected, the amnionac sac broke, and the mother had to undergo days of fluid transfusion to replace the lost fluid from the womb.

Another fact was revealed soon. Not only was the baby in a reversed position, but a normal delivery wouldn't be possible because the placenta was below the neck of the foetus; a normal delivery could suffocate the baby. The verdict was done - a Caesarean delivery was necessary. And on the glorious 8th of April 1988, a new life was born. And he was given the name Yew Guo Zheng.

Weighing about 3.75 kg, the doctor noted that I was an inch longer than almost all babies who were delivered maturely. As such, the doctor predicted that this individual would grow to be a very tall person.

Being the married couple's first and only (not knowing that he is also their last) child, they showered him with love and care. Taking care of this baby was not much of a trouble, for he wasn't one who cried a lot; even if he did, it would be soft at first, before getting louder due to mere impatience. In order to take care of this new member of the family, the mother had decided to quit her beauty salon business, while the father continued to work for the family. Back then, we lived in a rented house in Taman Falam Bintang, a small housing area in Kampung Simee.

It wasn't long before my family decided to move into their very own new home in Taman Sri Kurau, a bigger residential area off the village of Bercham. Well, whether was it a new or old home didn't matter to the new member of the family. What mattered most that he was able to experience the utmost love of the family.

Initially, the plan was to include another member of the family to live with us - my paternal grandfather. I was about a year old already, but still unable to walk (some male babies were already able to walk at the age of ten, which seems to me a bit far-fetched, or eleven months old, which is more probable), and my grandfather was still in The Netherlands enjoying his tour with his sons and daughters who had migrated there for a long time already. During his tour, it was unfortunate that he caught pneumonia and passed away there before he could even step his feet into our new house. His body was flown back to Malaysia where he was buried in Kampung Tawas. The day when he was buried seemed to be quite a memorable moment, for while my late grandfather took his first step to heaven, I had then taken my first step on my own feet. Immediately after returning from the burial ceremony, the miracle happened. I stood on my own feet, as I had always been doing (I had almost never crawled on the floor; I enjoyed standing and walking about with my hands supporting myself on a rail, or running about seated in a baby "wheel-chair"), and unhesitatingly took my first few steps. My parents were stunned for a while, only to laugh when I dropped on my fours after a few steps.

Life for this young individual may seem to be like a bed of roses, but unknown to him, challenges and trials were lurking just right in the corner.

To be continued...

Thank you for your patience

I've been back in campus for almost a week now, and it wasn't until today that I regain my Internet connection in my room.

My dear readers, thank you for being such a loyal reader of my blog. However, today I'm not so much in a mood to write an entry. Currently, I'm facing a crisis that needs a resolution and I shall, God willing, write about the crisis if I feel that I need to.

Suffice to let you know that the life of an undergraduate student couldn't be more miserable with such a messy timetable set by the Academic Central Services department of UTP. How many more drafts of the timetable must they make before they can finally finalise it?

Special request

Well, I didn't really intend to show you my mobile phone as I would expect a lot of you to know how my new phone would look like (especially you, Joe, as your phone is also of the same model; just slightly different). Anyway, as there is a special request for pictures of my mobile phone to be displayed here, I have obligingly taken a snap of my mobile phone plus what comes together with it.

The original Nokia N70 mobile phone costs RM1399 in Ipoh, which comes with a 512 MB memory card if I'm not mistaken. The Nokia N70 Music Edition costs RM1599, which comes with a 1 GB memory card, plus a stereo headset. And as they were having a promotion, it also comes with a Bluetooth headset worth RM299. And here they are:

I would have loved to turn off the flash, but without the flash, the image would be very blur upon my shaky hands. Well, you just wanted to see the phone, not the screen. Notice the button below the red one on the right side of the phone. Compare the symbol to that found in the original Nokia N70. It's different, Joe.

The infamous Bluetooth headset which came together with the promotion.

Oh, don't worry about my scratching the screen of the mobile phone, Joe. I've got it all covered.