I tried not to think - too much.

It's been quite a while since I last posted here. The thing is that I've been able to lead a few days of happy life and then it's back to some moments of stress. While people are washing their hands in butter, I have to have a grip of myself and not let my mind wander off so often.

Well, that's me. My mind wanders off too often and then I think a lot, in fact people say I think too much. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm thinking but in the end, it would make me feel disappointed, frustrated, neglected and left out. Not that I'm facing a relationship problem or whatsoever, but there are so many things that I resent nowadays.

I had a stroll with Jared once and it's true that I'm becoming reliant on other people. Well, I can't seem to be able to find things for myself to do except for quiet time. Other than that, I need other people to help, not really helping me directly but more like doing something together and be together with me to help me get things out of my head, even if it's just a while. Otherwise, if I'm left alone, my mind wanders off, and if things go well, I feel good. But more often than not, it's the negative effect. Sad, huh?

Nevertheless, as my mind wanders off, it clears off certain things that are roaming in my mind, some dark secrets that I can't even tell to any of my closest buddies. (Jared and Joe, if you thought that my "darkest" secret that I told you was "dark" enough, I have my own "dark" secrets that I can't even disclose, not now.) It would make me far conceited and self-centred. Seriously, if you hadn't known me and I tell you what my secrets are, you would think of me as a selfish, self-centred person and that is what I don't intend to be. Therefore, I'm just letting things go on and see what will happen next. Sad to say, though I've been observing for a month or so, things are not going well for me and yet I feel helpless because I cannot do anything and must not do anything, lest more things will go wrong. Yet, I'm getting impatient and it's taking a toll on me, my health, my emotions.

Much as I like to pour it out to the persons I want to direct it to, I simply cannot do so, for it will generate much negative thoughts of me. Everyone has a reputation to maintain, and so do I. However, I do wonder how long can I maintain that reputation.

People say, "Look into the Lord," or "Surrender all to Our Lord," etc. but they still trouble my mind. I'm not depressed at the moment, just feeling stressed and rather down-hearted. I'm discouraged from doing a lot of things now and I really try to live for the moment, but this moment isn't the peak of my life. While other people are enjoying their university life, their relationships, their work, I'm finding a way out of things. I'm tired, exhausted and need help but nobody understands and nobody should understand.

The images that flashed into my mind during my interrupted sleeps have actually realised at a few points of my life already. Every time I walk together with my coursemates to lectures, or every time I walk in the crowd, I feel lonely. I wish I could talk to other people but it's either that there isn't anything to talk about, or I would be disturbing other people. All I hear in the noisy crowd around me is plain silence. While music offers me some relief, it is only temporary. Yet, I have the Lord to thank for those wonderful music I have in my telephone and I am very glad that I had decided to change my phone.

Friendships have fallen, I felt. And it is still falling. A barrier has manifested itself between me and my friends, and the barrier is becoming thicker by the day. I can feel the distance growing gradually and sooner or later, it is quite possible that I have only myself to confide in, besides the Lord. There are people for me to confide in, yet answers are so little. Solutions are almost non-existent. Before this, troubled ones tell me everything and when I'm troubled, I tell them everything, too. Now, with so little to share with me, I couldn't find the heart to share so much.

I find enjoyment in listening to people's troubles, even those that are too heavy for anyone to shoulder, to the point that the individual is stressed up and depressed. I feel that I have succeeded in having people sharing their problems with me so that I can try to help them, put myself into their shoes and understand their predicament. It is as if I find joy in bearing the depression for other people and in the end, help them cast it away. Many people tend to mis-interpret my statements: "Are you OK?", "Is there any problem?", "Is there anything I can help you?", etc. They think that I'm just asking them: "How are you?" or "How do you do?" The fact is that when I see somebody displaying a sudden change of expression (into a stressed-looking one), it's natural of me to ask and try to persuade him or her to share their problems, if they have one, no matter how big or small it can be, with me. However, as people wouldn't want to divulge everything all the time, it's OK to me if they don't want to tell me. It wouldn't make me satisfied knowing that actually something is troubling the individual, and yet he or she is denying it. I don't normally buy "I'm OK. Don't worry about me."

But how am I able to solve and share other people's problems when I can't even help myself? "Heal yourself, physician!" True enough! But read this: it helps to take things out of my mind to know about other people's problems. Basically, my problem cannot be solved myself (it depends on how the other parties move). Therefore, on a personal level, I've got not many problems to deal with, which allows me to probe around, helping me get things out of my head, forget about my problems which I can't do anything with.

I'm being a busy-body, you say? Maybe I am, but you have all the right not to tell me if you want. If you are determined not to tell me, I won't insist any further (there is a limit of my persuasion, too). Sure enough, it would leave me hanging in mid-air trying to figure what could be the problem, and I would be somehow disappointed if I can't help.

Still, I don't understand what is really happening to me. My mind plays tricks and it thinks too much. It is not within my control.

Can nobody help? Nobody, I'm afraid, except for a few who are unconscious that they are in a way deciding my next phase of life, and that their crucial decisions will determine whether I live, or perish. This waiting is just amplifying my misery. I'm eager to end it once and for all. Those few had better make their decisions quick preferably by the end of the week.