Hmmm...

OK, because of some of my friends' request, I have decided to update my blog.

Well, today, for no apparent reason, my thoughts seem to revolve about my mother only, not forgetting my father. Somehow, I felt and realised that after his arrival from Holland, I couldn't show my undivided love to my father as I could to my mother. This morning, while on my way to school, it was an unusually quiet journey, full of reflection. I came to conclude that my mother has and had worked very hard to bring me and the family up. It is undeniably she who enabled the whole family to keep on going. I certainly couldn't live without her. Tears welled up in my eyes as I spent almost 20 minutes reflecting this. I recalled the moments when my mother left for the USA in 1998. For the first few nights after her departure, my pillow was wet, with tears of course. However, when my father left for Holland in 2001, my mother found me surprisingly OK, with no symptoms of depression whatsoever. In the car, I realised and recalled the type of care and treatment I got from my father while my mother was away and how my mother cared for me while he was not around. Back then, I couldn't think rationally and back then I didn't have the guts to go against my father or my mother.

When my mother was in Washington, N.C., (no error in N.C.) I used to think that my father was always right and that I had to follow whatever he said. No point going against him as doing so would enrage him. Therefore, there were virtually no arguments at all. Mostly, I got the scolding. At times, I got scolding for nothing. For the 22 months when my mother was overseas, I realised that my character changed dramatically. From a talkative and humorous person, I became utterly quiet and too serious (and too straightforward, too!). It was my mother who corrected me and said that in today's society, we must learn to be "cunning at times in need" and to "forget about seriousness" as continuing with my character would leave me friendless. She was right. For the past 4 years, I struggled to be less serious, more humorous and more "cunning". Still, I'm not perfect.

When my father came back from the Netherlands, I realised that we are not always on the same terms. We do not tend to agree with one another and often we face conflicts. My father is a conservative old man who refuses to accept people's ideas, thinking that his is always the best. Many a time I argued with him, and often, he just does not want to give in. But when his idea or opinion was proven wrong, at times he would just keep quiet, otherwise he would blame me for not trying my best to prove him wrong. Such arguments often ended with us not in speaking terms for almost a week or so, rarely shorter. I just fear that he becomes his mother, for I fathom fully the characteristics of my grandma. I pray that I may never inherit their bad genes.

Sometimes he speaks too much, and I longed most for silence. On many occasions did I feel like asking him to keep quiet, but all the time I just keep my mouth shut, refusing to reprimand him.

After his return from Holland, his memory seems to be degrading. He can't seem to remember things that he had done before and the trouble his acts had caused, and he keeps on saying that he had done something that he had never done before. I wonder if this is a sign of schizophrenia. He also has a temper which I totally dislike. It is his utterly bad temper that makes me furious. He wants people to follow only his ideas, and rejects others. He throws his temper around when his words are rejected and refuses to listen to reason. It is obvious that my life philosophy and principles do not match at all with his. I believe that everybody is the same, regardless of seniority. My mother and father may be my parents and my mentors, but that does not mean they do not make mistakes or that their ideas or opinions are the best. I have my own ideas and opinions that I want to voice out and share and reason. It is fortunate of me that I have an attentive mother who is ready to listen to my ideas and opinions and correct me, if necessary. This is not the case with my father. He thinks that everybody should listen to him and believes that if everyone follows exactly what he said, then everything would go smoothly. But there are many minor things that he failed to foresee and although he has been informed of his error, he just won't accept whatever is said to him.

I'm not asking you to stay far away from my father. Though he may treat me this way, it is totally different in front of other people. Surprisingly, he would accept his friends' ideas or opinions, but lately he has started to frequently object blindly, too. Nevertheless, he has a poor sense of humour. He thinks his jokes are funny, but they tend to be very lame and sometimes, even offensive.

My mother is indeed the light of my life. A teacher is often associated with light, but to me, my mother is whom I depend on most for dear life. She is an understanding woman, and is ready to back me up when I'm in the right. She was behind me all the time. As the saying goes, "Behind every man's success, there is a woman". Well, it turn out to be that the woman does not necessarily refer to girlfriends or any other girls, for the woman behind my every success is my mother.

That is not to say we never argued. My mother and I had some conflicts before, but most of the time, we get into speaking terms again after a day. Never before had we been in bad terms for more than a day. We always talk about happy things and discuss about the issues that are happening in the family. She is my example of a life-giver. She has a strong will, dedication and love. (I hardly need to say that I am indeed overwhelmed by my mother's sincerity). She works without any complaints, and more often than not I feel pity and sympathise her for she still has to work despite the fact that her health is starting to degrade (must be menopause) and she looked forward for a relaxing life. She is prone to coughs and cold, and frequently I would worry for her health. But, her cheerful smile is always there.

I don't know what made me open up my thoughts with you so honestly, but I certainly feel better. I needed to let out my feelings, but please keep this all hushed up. That is my request.