My blog was locked

Believe it or not, my blog was detected as a spam blog by the spam robots of Blogger. It really took away my ability to blog at all for these days, and though I've been feeling rather cheerful nowadays, it just simply made me so angry to know that they had actually locked my blog, rendering me unable to post any entry until now (they have finally unlocked it).

Anyway, enough said (assez dit). For the past two weeks or so, many things have happened, both pleasant and unpleasant, and although there were more unpleasant things happening, I'm glad to say that I've managed to adjust and adapt to them. Major changes have happened to my life and I am, indeed, still struggling to get everything back to order.

But what type of major changes, you ask? Surely many things must have happened since I literally disappeared for about two weeks, without any word of me in this blog. Well, I don't really wish to get into the details, but in a nutshell, all the changes are more of social changes and being such a change, it definitely affected very much.

Things have changed such that at times I feel very much indecisive, lost and uncertain of what is happening and what I really want. Many times I have tried to reassess my priorities and commitments but it doesn't seem to really help. Even after re-evaluating myself, I still remain uncertain and things are certainly still in the rocks.

Although I may not fall into depression so easily anymore, it now pains me to experience mood swings suddenly. It can be due to the things I said, things that people ask, things that people do or things that I do. Suffice to say that these changes have shaken me emotionally and perhaps even psychologically.

Within just a short span of two weeks, I have lost some of my most prized possessions, figuratively speaking. However, such loss seems to be necessary, though it has really hurt me and removed a big part away from me. Suffice to say that these possessions can never be mine permanently as long as somebody wants them, and more often than not they should have their way. People might think that I'm being stupid for caring so much about other people's feelings that I neglect my own. But I'm not finished. Picture this situation: you have a dog which you love very much, and it has its affection for you. Then came this friend of yours and they expressed their interest in your dog. Upon seeing this friend of yours, your dog suddenly showed great interest in your friend that it keeps on hobnobbing them that you feel unattached.

It is rather an obvious case that you can never have what you really want, and I'm losing things that I want rather very easily now; but it is out of my control. When I mean that I'm losing things, they are not really something that you can see, feel and touch, but most of the time they are so.

So this falls under sacrifice. For the sake of other people sometimes it is vital that sacrifices must be made, even if you don't like it, because otherwise people would think negatively of you. I'm still speaking in the riddles now, so pardon me if you don't understand a thing. There are also times when you need to sacrifice for the sake of another party. So many sacrifices I have made, yet within these two weeks, I believe I have sacrificed myself so much that I have not much to sacrifice anymore. As I have said earlier, a great part of me has been removed, and I don't know if it will be returned. There's a saying that "... if it comes back, it is yours; if it does not, it never was." Though there is truth in it, I have always dreaded the last part of the sentence. I don't let go of things easily, and if I do, I always make sure that they will come back.

But now, I've been letting things go without giving it much thought of whether they will come back to me or otherwise. It saddens me up to note that these things that I've let go of will most probably not come back to me anymore (note: I used the word things, not thing). And as I let things go, other people would gladly take them from me. But whether they are grateful or otherwise I don't know. Some people might think that I should let things go because they think they deserve them more now and some people might think that I'm being so generous for letting things go, albeit easily in words but not in the heart. The first part of my sentence has its truth, believe me, and I'm aware of that.

Why must I let things go then? Can't I just share with them? There are many things that can be shared, but with mine, it's either that they go or they stay. This means that they are not things that I can just share with other people, because even if I can, in the end it will appear that I'm borrowing rather than sharing. If that will be so, why not just give it away?

Sacrifices are necessary even if it means pulling yourself down at times. Sacrifices have, indeed, proven to be challenging my stability and emotions. Sacrifices are something that I have to give away in order to appease other people, yet not myself. It would be fair enough to say that I have sacrificed all but one. If that has to go, too, it will be the end of me. I may not have much to sacrifice in the first place, but as I had clung to them initially to make my life a much better one, letting all of them go (except one) really scarred my heart, my confidence, my emotions.

Please, I really hope that at least I can still hold on to this only prized possession for as long as I'm able. If it has to be taken away from me, this miserable life of mine which started since two weeks ago will become unimaginable for me.

GOD! PLEASE HAVE CLEMENCY ON ME!