A split - and torn in between things

Beep. Beep.

Beep. Beep.

"Hello?"

"H-h-hello, I-I want to get out of h-h-here!"

Huh? "Erm... who's on the line, please?"

"Great! Even friends don't know who are on the line."

Be patient, Henry. Be patient. "Sorry, I'm naturally not good in recognising voices over the telephone. Who are you looking for?"

"Oh, it's me, Ben. I'm looking for you, Henry."

"What's wrong, Ben? Is there anything I can help? You sound very depressed."

"Depressed? I'm crushed! I can't go on living this life anymore! Why must I just be born into this world?"

Yikes... some ungratefulness detected. But, this doesn't seem simple. I'd better just be the listener and let him speak.

"Maybe you'd like to tell me about your problem, Ben? You must have telephoned me for this reason, to tell me about your problem. Perhaps you'd like to share?"

"Well, how could I living like this with such a broken family? I'd told you before that my parents were divorced long ago, right? And now I'm living with my father. He's such an unreasonable person!"

More sobbing. I am totally dumbfounded, not knowing what to say. I wish I could offer him some comforting words but nothing would come out of my mouth. He has definitely got more to say, and perhaps I should continue listening attentively before making any judgements. Or maybe I could press him for more information.

"But what seems to be wrong, Ben?" Oh, please don't cry anymore. It makes me feel bad and guilty, too.

"You see, I haven't been able to stay at home most of the time nowadays because I'm busy with my school assignments and therefore I had always been out of home with friends and would only come back normally after dinner. That would be about 8.30 or 9.00 p.m."

OK, now this is the story. It's going to be long.

"And my father isn't pleased with that idea at all of my coming back at about that time. I mean, is 8.30 p.m. that late? It's not like I have only one assignment to deal with; I have four projects to be done, plus a presentation which is due in three days' time! Do I not have the reason to be worried about my work? In addition to that, I bear the responsibility as the leader of the group. And I've told my father about it so clearly. Why couldn't he understand my situation?"

Time for another question. "Well, what did he think about your going out all this while?"

"He thought that I was out of home courting or dating with girls. It's true that in the group, there are only two guys, including me; the other four are girls. And my father does not buy my story that I am really having discussions about our assignments in the state library. He thinks that I'm wasting my precious time on such unnecessary and unethical things such as dating girls."

"Have you tried to convince him about what you've done?"

"What's the use? It's not that he trusts me now anymore. Occasionally, while I'm not looking, he would search my wallet to see if there are any pictures of girls. He would even switch on the computer and look for any hidden files and folders to see if I have any pornographic material. Really, am I that desperate to know how it feels like for sex? It's OK if I just KNOW, I don't want to TRY yet."

I know that you're not going to go that far, for you follow the word of God so closely, and as detailed as possible. But your father fears that you are backsliding. Go on, Ben.

"I have always wanted to live with my mother. At least I think she knows me better. She would come and visit me every Saturday and Sunday and bring me out for meals. She would ask about my life, my studies, my problems, and I find it much easier for me to pour out my feelings to her. I'm so happy that I can find such a wonderful listener in her."

"So, why aren't you living with her?"

"Henry, my father has the right of custody over me. I don't know how in the world he won the custody over me. It seems that my mother didn't manage to convince the judge well enough. But now I'm already 17, almost reaching 18! I can think for myself now, and I find that I can confide much better in my mother. She wants me to be with her so badly, but knows that I can't, lest my father charges her for abduction."

Could his father be that unreasonable? "Erm... have you ever talked to your father about letting you stay for a few nights in your mother's home?"

It was the affirmative. But his father wasn't pleased about it.

"Lately, my mother hasn't been contacting me because she was in Kuala Lumpur. I miss her so much! She will be back by tomorrow, but I can wait no longer. I want to meet her so badly."

"So, what do you want to do now? You still have to face your father. After all, he's your breadwinner. He is doing this perhaps he's afraid that you might fall into a point of no return."

"Point of no return? But why is he not trusting me? What is it that made him lost his trust on me so suddenly? I never lied, never stole and never did anything wrong in his eyes."

I'm stuck here. "Well, have you tried praying? Perhaps you could get some guidance through prayer?"

"Yes, I have. And it made me felt so much better."

At least it worked. "So, what did you want to do actually?"

"I want to move out."

"What? Move out? But that wouldn't be able to solve your problem! You can't run away from it!"

"I know. But how could I focus on my studies at home if I find it such a depressing place now? I have my SPM examinations this year, you know? I can't simply study in such a depressing place."

His mother's house? Couldn't he study there?

"What about your mother's house, Ben? You could go there and study after school before returning home."

"I've tried that. My mother even gave me a bunch of spare keys for me to gain entry into her house whenever I want. She welcomes me into her house very much and insists that I make myself at home."

Well, he's actually truly at home.

"Ben, just being curious here. Is your mother living alone now?"

"No, she has adopted a boy from the orphanage. He's about three years younger than I am."

"And have you been able to talk to him?"

"Yes, I have. But he isn't much of a talker. He's quite reserved and I couldn't get much conversation out of him. Still, he knows me quite well and trusts me very much. He knows about the story of my life from my mother. He keeps saying that he's happy in the company of my mother."

Your adopted brother never had the chance to experience a mother's love, Ben. Now he has and he's grateful. Just like you.

"Ben, I wished that I could offer you help. Let me be frank here. Being an outsider here, I could do little but just offer you a listening ear."

"It's OK, Henry. I am happy enough to be able to share with you about my problems."

That's what friends are for, Ben. I'm glad you realised that.

"I'll pray for you, Ben."

"Thanks a lot."

"Ben, here's an advice. Focus on your studies now. Cast this matter about your father aside. He isn't going through a good time either. Perhaps you should just follow suit and try to appease him. It would be best if you can finish your assignment as soon as possible and be more homely."

"That's what I'm doing now, Henry. But it's so hard for me to swallow the fact that my father no longer has any confidence in me already. What have I done to dash his trust?"

"Treat this as God's trial, Ben. It will not last long, I'm sure. When you're old enough to decide for yourself legally, you'll know what to do naturally. Stay connected with those whom you trust and can confide yourself in. And if you need someone to listen, I'm always around. And remember this, somebody unseen is always looking after you. You can always seek refuge in Him."

Click.

Click.

Sigh... it has been a long conversation. An era of depression. A dejà vu. Let's just hope he'll know what to do. Even I have my own problems to deal with. Stay strong, Ben, and be faithful. It won't be long. It won't.

Snuggling down in a comfortable cushion, I directed my sight towards the grandfather clock standing majestically in the living room.

Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

Time. What an important factor. It knows so much, yet reveals so little.

---creative work by Henry Yew