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Revelations

Just last night I had a stroll with Joe (thanks Joe for being ever so willing to walk with me and share about so many things with me, especially about the Word). As I have stated earlier in my previous post I tried not to think too much, there were a lot of things that troubled my mind as I think about them, because the decision that will affect me is from God who will ensure that somebody will execute the decision.

Fair enough, I have been thinking too much and I had really wanted to just let it out (but no, I still didn't let out the "dark" secret of mine). We had a long talk and it was rather a revealing one.

The following things are what we discussed and what he has told me:

1. God is always there in good and bad times.
2. Whenever you are in trouble, God is always there for you to seek.
3. He has a promise that He will never break; ask and you will receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door opens.
4. Seek His face, not only His hands.
5. His grace is enough for you.
6. Everybody is blessed in their own ways.
7. If there are things you worry that are not in your control, surrender it to God, who will decide for you and solve your problems. Let Him lead you.
8. God never promised us that life is a bed of roses, but He did say that He will always be there, no matter what (thanks Tan-Loh Joash!)

With that, my mind is now at peace and that I really have faith that He will decide all for me, my path and all. I am assured that my prayers are answered and that He will continue to speak to me through His unique ways.

I cannot expect my life to be so smooth-sailing all the way. It's important that we emulate Job, who went through much suffering without cursing God (thanks Aaron Lai!), who in return rewarded him even more than he first had.

With that, I can now rest.

I tried not to think - too much.

It's been quite a while since I last posted here. The thing is that I've been able to lead a few days of happy life and then it's back to some moments of stress. While people are washing their hands in butter, I have to have a grip of myself and not let my mind wander off so often.

Well, that's me. My mind wanders off too often and then I think a lot, in fact people say I think too much. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm thinking but in the end, it would make me feel disappointed, frustrated, neglected and left out. Not that I'm facing a relationship problem or whatsoever, but there are so many things that I resent nowadays.

I had a stroll with Jared once and it's true that I'm becoming reliant on other people. Well, I can't seem to be able to find things for myself to do except for quiet time. Other than that, I need other people to help, not really helping me directly but more like doing something together and be together with me to help me get things out of my head, even if it's just a while. Otherwise, if I'm left alone, my mind wanders off, and if things go well, I feel good. But more often than not, it's the negative effect. Sad, huh?

Nevertheless, as my mind wanders off, it clears off certain things that are roaming in my mind, some dark secrets that I can't even tell to any of my closest buddies. (Jared and Joe, if you thought that my "darkest" secret that I told you was "dark" enough, I have my own "dark" secrets that I can't even disclose, not now.) It would make me far conceited and self-centred. Seriously, if you hadn't known me and I tell you what my secrets are, you would think of me as a selfish, self-centred person and that is what I don't intend to be. Therefore, I'm just letting things go on and see what will happen next. Sad to say, though I've been observing for a month or so, things are not going well for me and yet I feel helpless because I cannot do anything and must not do anything, lest more things will go wrong. Yet, I'm getting impatient and it's taking a toll on me, my health, my emotions.

Much as I like to pour it out to the persons I want to direct it to, I simply cannot do so, for it will generate much negative thoughts of me. Everyone has a reputation to maintain, and so do I. However, I do wonder how long can I maintain that reputation.

People say, "Look into the Lord," or "Surrender all to Our Lord," etc. but they still trouble my mind. I'm not depressed at the moment, just feeling stressed and rather down-hearted. I'm discouraged from doing a lot of things now and I really try to live for the moment, but this moment isn't the peak of my life. While other people are enjoying their university life, their relationships, their work, I'm finding a way out of things. I'm tired, exhausted and need help but nobody understands and nobody should understand.

The images that flashed into my mind during my interrupted sleeps have actually realised at a few points of my life already. Every time I walk together with my coursemates to lectures, or every time I walk in the crowd, I feel lonely. I wish I could talk to other people but it's either that there isn't anything to talk about, or I would be disturbing other people. All I hear in the noisy crowd around me is plain silence. While music offers me some relief, it is only temporary. Yet, I have the Lord to thank for those wonderful music I have in my telephone and I am very glad that I had decided to change my phone.

Friendships have fallen, I felt. And it is still falling. A barrier has manifested itself between me and my friends, and the barrier is becoming thicker by the day. I can feel the distance growing gradually and sooner or later, it is quite possible that I have only myself to confide in, besides the Lord. There are people for me to confide in, yet answers are so little. Solutions are almost non-existent. Before this, troubled ones tell me everything and when I'm troubled, I tell them everything, too. Now, with so little to share with me, I couldn't find the heart to share so much.

I find enjoyment in listening to people's troubles, even those that are too heavy for anyone to shoulder, to the point that the individual is stressed up and depressed. I feel that I have succeeded in having people sharing their problems with me so that I can try to help them, put myself into their shoes and understand their predicament. It is as if I find joy in bearing the depression for other people and in the end, help them cast it away. Many people tend to mis-interpret my statements: "Are you OK?", "Is there any problem?", "Is there anything I can help you?", etc. They think that I'm just asking them: "How are you?" or "How do you do?" The fact is that when I see somebody displaying a sudden change of expression (into a stressed-looking one), it's natural of me to ask and try to persuade him or her to share their problems, if they have one, no matter how big or small it can be, with me. However, as people wouldn't want to divulge everything all the time, it's OK to me if they don't want to tell me. It wouldn't make me satisfied knowing that actually something is troubling the individual, and yet he or she is denying it. I don't normally buy "I'm OK. Don't worry about me."

But how am I able to solve and share other people's problems when I can't even help myself? "Heal yourself, physician!" True enough! But read this: it helps to take things out of my mind to know about other people's problems. Basically, my problem cannot be solved myself (it depends on how the other parties move). Therefore, on a personal level, I've got not many problems to deal with, which allows me to probe around, helping me get things out of my head, forget about my problems which I can't do anything with.

I'm being a busy-body, you say? Maybe I am, but you have all the right not to tell me if you want. If you are determined not to tell me, I won't insist any further (there is a limit of my persuasion, too). Sure enough, it would leave me hanging in mid-air trying to figure what could be the problem, and I would be somehow disappointed if I can't help.

Still, I don't understand what is really happening to me. My mind plays tricks and it thinks too much. It is not within my control.

Can nobody help? Nobody, I'm afraid, except for a few who are unconscious that they are in a way deciding my next phase of life, and that their crucial decisions will determine whether I live, or perish. This waiting is just amplifying my misery. I'm eager to end it once and for all. Those few had better make their decisions quick preferably by the end of the week.

Langkawi Geology Field Trip

I apologise for not being able to write here so often anymore. I hope you understand that I've been going through some hard times and lately I've recovered, albeit a little, but still enough to make me feel a little more cheerful.

As the topic suggests,I've just recently returned from my Langkawi trip. The Civil Engineering students who enrolled for Geology this semester got to visit Langkawi to study (you guess it) rocks. The students were rather delighted to go, but upon knowing that we'll have a long report to submit, the mood simply diminished to oblivion. Anyway, we went and somehow actually managed to have some fun time.

I don't really want to blog long here because I've got some other things to do. Nevertheless, I'd like to roughly (at least) give you an idea of what we did during the three days and two nights that we spent in Langkawi Island. Therefore, I shall post pictures here. Pictures speak louder than words, don't you think?

Overall, the trip has been a wonderful experience. Although at times the Associate Professor's lecture about a certain rock can be quite long-winded and tiring, nevertheless the knowledge and the experience gained are what matter.

And one more thing. This is something that pictures cannot speak. I had a bad heat stroke on the second day of my Langkawi trip. It actually happened around afternoon while climbing the stairs at Telaga Tujuh. My body heated up easily and I could feel the heat. I tried fanning myself with the fieldtrip material that I had but it was to no avail. While resting at a shelter, Joe had been so kind enough to go down to the foot of the hill (which was 367 steps down), bought a coconut, ran up (another 367 steps) and gave me to drink. Indeed, I do appreciate his help and kind-heartedness. But sad to say, the effect the coconut had on me was temporary. Although I felt immensely better, but the moment I stepped into the van which took us back to the hotel I felt warm and after a few minutes, while my other friends dozed off, I slipped into unconsciousness.

Upon arriving at the hotel, my course-mate Abdul Azim tried to wake me up, but I didn't respond. He tried shaking me, but still no response. Winnie started knocking at the window and Joe also tried to wake me up, and I got up groggily. I immediately felt tired, exhausted, weak and unable to really move. I had to muster all my strength to get out of the van, where Joe readily supported me and helped me up to the room.

In the room, I was immediately settled down to bed and both Aaron Lai and Joe applied some medicated oil on my head. Joe recited a prayer for me, and I was left to rest. Aaron kept an eye on me and I just laid on the bed resting. After a while, I felt much better, but I had this headache whereby I felt as if two metal bars were crushing on my temples. I told this to Aaron and Joe was notified. The latter came immediately and Aaron returned with the medicated oil and a Panadol pill. I took the pill, rested a while and the pain subsided. Aaron, Joe and Azim then cracked some jokes. After I recovered, I could join in their fun almost immediately. Thanks to them and thank God, my problem was cured.

It's not that I didn't drink enough water. The amount of water I drank was quite a lot (three litres a day), but that didn't seem to keep my body cool. Oh well, I need to avoid being under the sun too long now, I guess.

All right, now for pictures:

Morning view of Pantai Tengah

On a metasedimentary rock hill behind Pantai Tengah

First group picture. Yes, the sun was quite glaring.

My name carved on slate (a type of metamorphic rock)

The best experience in Pantai Tengah. The rear wheels of our van sank into the sand...

...and Winnie had to get the jack up? Aaron, what are you doing, smiling there happily and letting the girl doing all the hard work? Shame on you! I've got six words for you. "I am very disappointed of you."

Quite a breathtaking view of Pantai Tengkorak

Believe me, that cliff is very high. Don't let the picture fool you. We daredevils had nothing better to do than to climb rocks.

Surely all of us enjoyed ourselves at Pantai Tengkorak, don't you think so? We thought we were on vacation rather than on a field trip.

Limestone cave area of Gua Landak (an unmarked cave in Langkawi)

See the sedimentation of calcium carbonate, forming stalagmites and stalactites?

How could we miss a group picture in a place like this? Note, lighting was all due to the camera flash. Fortunately, the flash was bright enough.

We were later forced to crawl through a small hole in the cave where the floor is clay-like and muddy. Well, both Joe and I just kept one hand dirty and the other one clean to continue taking pictures!

And in the end, everybody's shoes became muddy, too. My Nike shoes!

My blog was locked

Believe it or not, my blog was detected as a spam blog by the spam robots of Blogger. It really took away my ability to blog at all for these days, and though I've been feeling rather cheerful nowadays, it just simply made me so angry to know that they had actually locked my blog, rendering me unable to post any entry until now (they have finally unlocked it).

Anyway, enough said (assez dit). For the past two weeks or so, many things have happened, both pleasant and unpleasant, and although there were more unpleasant things happening, I'm glad to say that I've managed to adjust and adapt to them. Major changes have happened to my life and I am, indeed, still struggling to get everything back to order.

But what type of major changes, you ask? Surely many things must have happened since I literally disappeared for about two weeks, without any word of me in this blog. Well, I don't really wish to get into the details, but in a nutshell, all the changes are more of social changes and being such a change, it definitely affected very much.

Things have changed such that at times I feel very much indecisive, lost and uncertain of what is happening and what I really want. Many times I have tried to reassess my priorities and commitments but it doesn't seem to really help. Even after re-evaluating myself, I still remain uncertain and things are certainly still in the rocks.

Although I may not fall into depression so easily anymore, it now pains me to experience mood swings suddenly. It can be due to the things I said, things that people ask, things that people do or things that I do. Suffice to say that these changes have shaken me emotionally and perhaps even psychologically.

Within just a short span of two weeks, I have lost some of my most prized possessions, figuratively speaking. However, such loss seems to be necessary, though it has really hurt me and removed a big part away from me. Suffice to say that these possessions can never be mine permanently as long as somebody wants them, and more often than not they should have their way. People might think that I'm being stupid for caring so much about other people's feelings that I neglect my own. But I'm not finished. Picture this situation: you have a dog which you love very much, and it has its affection for you. Then came this friend of yours and they expressed their interest in your dog. Upon seeing this friend of yours, your dog suddenly showed great interest in your friend that it keeps on hobnobbing them that you feel unattached.

It is rather an obvious case that you can never have what you really want, and I'm losing things that I want rather very easily now; but it is out of my control. When I mean that I'm losing things, they are not really something that you can see, feel and touch, but most of the time they are so.

So this falls under sacrifice. For the sake of other people sometimes it is vital that sacrifices must be made, even if you don't like it, because otherwise people would think negatively of you. I'm still speaking in the riddles now, so pardon me if you don't understand a thing. There are also times when you need to sacrifice for the sake of another party. So many sacrifices I have made, yet within these two weeks, I believe I have sacrificed myself so much that I have not much to sacrifice anymore. As I have said earlier, a great part of me has been removed, and I don't know if it will be returned. There's a saying that "... if it comes back, it is yours; if it does not, it never was." Though there is truth in it, I have always dreaded the last part of the sentence. I don't let go of things easily, and if I do, I always make sure that they will come back.

But now, I've been letting things go without giving it much thought of whether they will come back to me or otherwise. It saddens me up to note that these things that I've let go of will most probably not come back to me anymore (note: I used the word things, not thing). And as I let things go, other people would gladly take them from me. But whether they are grateful or otherwise I don't know. Some people might think that I should let things go because they think they deserve them more now and some people might think that I'm being so generous for letting things go, albeit easily in words but not in the heart. The first part of my sentence has its truth, believe me, and I'm aware of that.

Why must I let things go then? Can't I just share with them? There are many things that can be shared, but with mine, it's either that they go or they stay. This means that they are not things that I can just share with other people, because even if I can, in the end it will appear that I'm borrowing rather than sharing. If that will be so, why not just give it away?

Sacrifices are necessary even if it means pulling yourself down at times. Sacrifices have, indeed, proven to be challenging my stability and emotions. Sacrifices are something that I have to give away in order to appease other people, yet not myself. It would be fair enough to say that I have sacrificed all but one. If that has to go, too, it will be the end of me. I may not have much to sacrifice in the first place, but as I had clung to them initially to make my life a much better one, letting all of them go (except one) really scarred my heart, my confidence, my emotions.

Please, I really hope that at least I can still hold on to this only prized possession for as long as I'm able. If it has to be taken away from me, this miserable life of mine which started since two weeks ago will become unimaginable for me.

GOD! PLEASE HAVE CLEMENCY ON ME!

Some moments of absence

I'm sorry that I haven't been able to post an entry lately, due to an unusual round of depression. It is not my first time to suffer from depression after Chinese New Year. I also had depression during Chinese New Year in 2005.

Things have gone rather fast for me nowadays, too fast that I could hardly cope up with things. For these few nights, my sleep has been interrupted with flashes of images in my mind; my mind has also been thinking so much that I feel so tormented. My only consolation is prayer.

What I'm going to write will be like a riddle to a lot of you, but there is something that I would like to tell to one particular person: "I've spent six memorable years, and of which, the first three were fruitful, and the next three were still memorable, though not so fruitful. No matter what had happened, I'm glad that we made the right decision, and I hope that you can achieve success in whatever you do."

I realise that I have lost the "feel", and now I am in a moment of rebound or relapse. In these moments, I have been tempted by a lot of pairs and it makes me miss and long for the "feel" again. This longing has then become my source of envy, and I'm now struggling to suppress the feel and submit my flesh to the Holy Spirit. I can hardly take on anything now, and my emotions are just at the brink of breaking at any moment, when you least expect it.

I keep surrendering myself to the hands of the Lord; I have tried to cast all that are in my head away from me. But they just keep coming back.

I am so emotionally affected that even my sleeping habits have been interrupted. All the time I would be able to sleep without waking up in the middle of the night until my phone alarm wakes me up. Now, every two or three hours after I sleep, I would wake up with flashing of images in my mind. Every time my mind flashes those images, they are always similar. In those images, I see myself alone, shunned away from all who I know. Nobody came to me and nobody seemed to care about me anymore. It is as if I am a total outcast. This is indeed silly but I have never been able to recall images so vivid as this one!

I thought I have gone through the darkest moment of my life, but nothing beats this! I feel so neglected, so left out, so uncared, so lonely. I have struggled very hard to avoid myself from feeling neglected, from being left-out and from being lonely!

I've done all that I can, including submitting myself unto the Lord and been praying frequently for strength and patience.

Once again, I feel abandoned. I feel neglected. I feel left out. I feel so unhappy. I feel rejected and so dejected.

But I still trust in the Lord; and of course, I still long for my usual company. My arms are open; will you come to me?

Awaiting the arrival of...

My beloved lab demonstrator for Structured Programming. Yes, I am finally back in UTP after spending about five days in Ipoh during Chinese New Year. I must say that it hasn't been quite a memorable one, considering the fact that the atmosphere of CNY this year is almost inconceivable here in Ipoh, which was quite a disappointment.

Anyway, now that I am back in UTP, life will continue as usual, with lots of assignments and researching to do. Being a working Wednesday, my friends and I are currently in the Multimedia Lab waiting for the demonstrator to arrive, but it's already 40 minutes past the actual time of the lab. Oh great, as I'm typing this, the demonstrator has just arrived. I do wonder what is he going to do now.

Now, the demonstrator is saying that he is not supposed to conduct our lab session. Apparently he was just passing by the lab. It is true that he is not supposed to conduct our lab session because he isn't our demonstrator in the first place. We have a lady demonstrator who is a new student of UTP. In UTP, all postgraduates must take up some experience in tutoring undergraduate students as a pre-requisite to graduate with Masters or PhD. This particular lady did not do a good job of tutoring during her first lab session with us, so we brought this matter up to the lecturer. The lecturer thought that it would be best to have an experienced tutor to accompany her so that she would gain the necessary experience, too.

Having a little background in programming does help make things easier for me now. Previously in Form 4 and Form 5, I had the experience of programming in Visual Basic. Now, we are programming in C++. Although it is a different programming language altogether, the main concept is still the same, revolving around the "If... else..." ideology.

Of course, I couldn't wait for our lecturers to start teaching the codes and our lab demonstrator sure failed to make things clearer for us. Therefore, thanks to Jared, he has taught me on the most important things that I should know, commands and what-nots. Now, it is like programming back in Visual Basic; the only difference being totally text-based and not object-oriented.

My substitute lab demonstrator has announced that the lab session for today is actually cancelled. Now, why didn't the announcement come at all in the UTP E-Learning service? Thanks to them, I had to wake up at 7.00 a.m. just for this 8.00-a.m. lab session which was cancelled in the first place. Great!

By the way, to all my readers, there is a high possibility that I will be shifting off my blog from Blogger to Wordpress. Don't worry, all the posts that I have will be available for viewing in my new blog home.

Not the Valentine's, Not the CNY

The Valentine's Day had not been quite the Valentine's that I expected, for indeed though I have experienced the amount of joy I wanted, I could not help feeling sorry that something rather bad had happened on the same night, too. No, it was nothing immoral.

This Chinese New Year may not be such a happy one to me either. A friend of mine is in distress and I did not really realise it until he told me so. To that friend: I shall pray for you, and God in heaven will make sure that it will not happen anymore.

Unpleasant things have happened these two or three days and it is important to make things right before Chinese New Year. If you have friends who ask for forgiveness, please forgive them, for nothing can be more depressing than celebrating Chinese New Year with the knowledge that they are still not forgiven. I have a few verses for you to share with from the Book of Matthew from the Bible:

(21) Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" (22) Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (Matthew 18:21-22, NIV)

So I tell you, friends, even though someone has offended you or even hurt you, do not let it rule in your heart too long. People say "forgive and forget". It is understood that forgiving can be easily done, but forgetting it is a real problem. Try this: forgive first, forget later.

Brothers and sisters, I have learnt to forgive people easily, although there were times when I just simply could not do so. I also took the time to swallow the bitterness in my mouth, but eventually I would also pardon them. Nothing delights me more than pardoning people and to be with my close friends.

So here is my important message before the New Year: Forgive and treasure your friends.